Saturday, September 29, 2012

The Gospel According to Rednecks

"Sho'nuff I was made in Baby Jay-Zuss' image.
He ugly as sin, crazy, and stupid-as-hell, too!"
(Excerpts from the Redneck Bible translation)
"I can whore around and be a drunken slob,
and still be holier-than-thou about anyone else's
shortcomings. Don't you know a 'double standard'
is twice as good?" - Randy-Bob Bluballz

"I'd rather put on airs and put on a fancy dress
for church than put on a compassionate face. I
need my daily dose of gossip no matter how many
people it hurts or how many lives it destroys."
   - Fancy Nancy Sweets

"It's my job to destroy homosexuals and whores
and keep the nation pure from their deviancy. I just
need my computer sites blocked and the magazines
hidden under my bed to help me stay focused on my
godly work." - Clevus Dipshit

"God loves the world, and especially me and all my
friends and neighbors. But I'm lost as to why God
has saddled us with the burden of the Blacks, the
Mexicans, the Jews, and the Indians that are taking
over my precious town."  - Scary Larry Bred-In

"Whitey, please! Hey, y'all...he trying to drown my ass!"
"I'm worried about what everybody else in town
is doing wrong, and I sing for Jesus and the Lord every
week in church. I'm also the deacon. I know my daughter
didn't mind what we did together, but I sure don't want
anyone else to find out about it." - Buford Leroy Asslickre

"I talk about God and church and family and morals
and values and 'being a good Christian' all day and night.
But I cuss that bitch wife of mine out in a heartbeat
'cause she needs to get straightened out. Once in a while,
she needs a slap, too. I pray God gets her head right
eventually."  - Trolly Dikhedd

"I know the Lord is with me as I keep me and mine safe
from the evils of this world. I got enough ammunition,
weapons, and stores with me to last long enough to do
some real damage. Anybody looks at me wrong or has a
bad word for my family, I'll show them the wrath of the
Lord!" - Roscoe Fanatica



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